full circle

So I was trying to figure out how to erase my myspace profile tonight (still have no idea) because I haven't logged onto it in like 10 months. Of course I get sucked into reading all the stuff and looking at all the photos that were important to me 4 years ago. 2006 was the year I left home, packing up my shit to drive east until I reached the other end. Black and I were setting up shop in Boston. Two people who had been mad in love for years but had never lived in the same city...or country for that matter. High up in a dusty old loft, with the unfamiliar city streets full of brick buildings, steaming potholes, and swooping seagulls; Black and I figured it out. We twisted and fought and laughed and sulked. We sweated out that first winter with our totally uncontrollable 40 foot radiator. It was uncomfortable. He hated my cats. I hated his unending studying. Plenty of people had congratulated us on our ability to maintain a long distance relationship for so long, but now that I look back, I'm more proud that we got through that first 6 months in Boston.

I look back at that time now and smile.

So when I read those old myspace blogs, I feel what it must be like to be a fortune teller.

I can't help but wonder what I'll think of myself 4 years from now when I read this one.

August 2006:

hand on chin eyes wide

i squint beneath shades on every day during the brittle summer sunny of a city that has not seen rain in months. its this time of year that los angeles looses its color. flat light and the dust that seems to layer over everything- leaves, cars, every blade of grass. the horizon, lost in a haze that lies like a blanket over the hills of the san gabriel valley. heavy.

or perhaps it is me, my ennui, my melancholic vision of a place that i both love and want so desperately to leave.

i want to look at my city with the reverence it deserves, as the place that has stamped my very spirit. but im tired. tired of the constant driving, the effort, the stress. i dont want to look at the 101 fwy, or the vast stretches of strip mall, gas station and 7/11 corners that mark the valley like an endless fucking song you cant get out of your head but dont know the words to. i dont even want to look at my favorite colorful corners of chinatown and venice and east l.a.

i just cant be bothered.

so i dream and try to picture a life that is unknown. i close my eyes and think of snow and bricks and strange beaches where you can see the sun rise over the ocean. i think of my lover.

my nostalgia travels to other places- mexico city, memphis, kenucky...all literal- spiritual homes of some sort. maybe the feelings wrapped around leaving my city...MY city is too much to bear.

through the heavy i smile secretly. im going soon. fuckingchangegoddamnit s betterthan death